Fear in Disguise

Fear underpins many of the excuses we tell ourselves. Realizing when fear is the true culprit however is challenging.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on why some things take me a while to do. There is one situation that I’ve been particularly interested in. It’s simple yet effectively illustrates my belief that fear disguises itself.

When reading an email at work, I usually have a rough concept of how I want to respond before typing begins. This isn’t ground breaking, that’s the case for most people. Where I struggle though is what comes next.

More often than not, I finish typing, re-read it, and dislike what’s there. So I’ll delete it all, type a slightly different response, and still dislike it. Then if I’m feeling truly motivated… I’ll delete it all again, type something closer to the first version, and realize I don’t like that either. At some point I decide to just respond to the email later. Then I’ll keep looking at this email a few times a day, sometimes for days on end, trying to conjure the mental energy to address it.

What’s going on here? Clearly I keep telling myself “the response isn’t acceptable yet.” I bought that lie for too long.

As I’ve become more aware of this situation, one thing has stood out. Whatever finally gets sent is pretty close to the first draft. Which means that I’m lying to myself when I say the response isn’t acceptable yet. Let’s go another level deeper. What’s really the issue?

That send button is so damn hard to click. No matter how many drafts I’ve gone through. No matter how much word smithing I’ve done. No matter how perfect my phrasing is.

I’m just afraid to send the email. Plain and simple as that. My fear presented itself in the form of other symptoms. My fear was disguised.